Lose All of My Baby Weight and Rock a Bikini in Nantucket

What can I say? Some things just sound better on paper than they actually are in real life.



If I'm being honest, when I wrote that goal in February I really thought that I would be able to be back to "normal" (even if it was a new normal) by September. I didn't know anything about umbilical hernias or muscle separation and I figured my body looked like what most women's bodies would look like after having twins.



Now that I've had 7.5 months to recover and I'm a bit more educated about the realities of postpartum life, I'm happier with how I look in some ways and more frustrated with how I look in others.



How I'm Happier



Well for starters, I lost all of the weight. Go me. My postpartum shape isn't all that bad either. Everything, with the exception of my hips and my waistline, is right back to where it was before the babies were conceived. My hips are a bit wider so most of my dress pants pull horizontally in an unflattering way and my seriously skinny jeans only make it three quarters of the way back up my leg. In a lot of ways I look better than I thought I was going to once I realized my stomach was ruined.



How I'm More Frustrated



I cannot put in words how sad my belly button makes me. It sticks out and droops and is hooked. Even in loose shirts you can see it. Spanx help a little, but not a lot. I'm coming to accept my diastasis (for now) but it makes me very self conscious. It's hard to feel sexy - for myself, for my husband - with a beer belly.



Another Baby



I start BCP's for my first and final FET mid-September, with an anticipated transfer mid-October. We have discussed, but not yet decided, what we'll do if nothing survives the thaw or if the FET does not result in a pregnancy.



We will not do another fresh cycle (even limited fertility or SETs) because there are too many what ifs and we don't want to risk having more frozen embryos since it is our agreement as a couple that any embryo we create will be given a chance at life. Injectibles and Clomid cycles haven't worked for us in the past and it is my belief that the risk of multiples is higher with these types of ART than IVF. So this too is not an option.



Right now I feel like I am ready to be done trying to conceive if this cycle doesn't work. But I don't know how I'll feel if the cycle ends badly or results in nothing. So I'm reserving the right to change my mind.



One thing we did agree on is that if we do TTC on our own, we will only do so for a set amount of time and then move on. The liklihood of our infertility being cured by a single pregnancy is very slim, and I'm not willing to bang my head against a cement wall for too long.



Consultations and Next Steps



Exercise has done wonders for closing my muscle separation. I went from being able to fit my fist in between my abs, to only having a 3ish finger separation. Most of the exercise I've been doing is running and spinning. I, honestly, haven't focused much on the transverse abdominal work and I broke up with my PT after some of her comments.

At this point, I think my separation has healed as much as it can. As the day progresses and my muscle tissue relaxes, the separation becomes worse and my stomach becomes more distended. I believe the only correction is surgical.



So far I've consulted with a general surgeon specializing in hernia repair and a plastic surgeon. The general surgeon is able to laparoscopically sew together my ab muscles and repair/reattach my belly button. The post-surgery result would look something like this in terms of the size of the surgical holes and stitches.

However, the small holes would run vertically down my stomach (instead of horizontally) and I would have approximately 5-6 of them in total, plus a dime size opening for the laparoscope to the side of my belly button (as opposed to the top position in this image). My other option is to have a full tummy tuck.



Laparoscopy vs. Abdominoplasty



Both surgeries would repair my belly button and muscle separation. And both repairs (regardless of whether they are done by a general surgeon or a plastic surgeon) would be covered under our insurance, with a 10% coinsurance and the normal deductible fees. If I elected to do a tummy tuck, I would just pay for the extra OR time and surgeon's fees for skin removal.



Both surgeries have the exact same pain level and the exact same recovery time, since the part of a tummy tuck that is the real killer is stitching the abdominal muscles closed (not the removal of extra skin).

{ crazy belly button, fabulous skin and my linea nigra 

STILL THERE 8 months later }

{ belly button, which sometimes decides to 

fall into the grand canyon, and sexy skin }

With one surgery I end up with a giant hip to hip scar. With the other surgery I get stuck with all of my extra skin, which could look a lot worse than it does now once the muscles are narrow and flat again. Neither surgery will fully remove my stretch marks since they go up to my rib cage.



I still don't know what makes more sense.



What I Look Like Now



Since I know you're mostly here for pictures, these were the last ones taken at 32 weeks postpartum.

{ Taken first thing in the morning. Not too bad. 

Mostly a funky belly button. Not great, but livable. }

{ Taken in the early evening. My stomach is 

much more distended by this time of day. }

{ Opposite side, another morning shot. Again, not so bad. }

{ Opposite side, another evening shot. 

Looking 17 weeks pregnant. }

{ And a cutie patootie shot of my stretchies and my belly "button". }

So That's That



As far as pregnancies go, mine was textbook perfect. I ran, swam and took spinning classes until I was 32 weeks pregnant, when I was put on bedrest for slight cervical funneling. I gained 47 pounds total. I didn't indulge in fun treats or fatty foods. I thought if I did everything "right" I'd be okay.



Nearly 8 months later, I'm both shocked and amazed at how much my body has accomplished and all of the ways it has changed. My stretched out, saggy, sad looking stomach held two babies inside of it for 38 weeks and 3 days. They both arrived in this world weighing over 6 pounds. I wouldn't trade that outcome for the flatest, smoothest stomach in the world.



But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't hoped that I'd be one of the lucky ones with full term babies AND a flat stomach.

Plastic Surgery Consult

For the last month I have been seeing a postpartum physical therapist to help me navigate my diastasis. I have a whole post in the works on the exercises that I've been doing and the abdominal binders that I've been wearing, and I'll get to finishing it eventually.



The postpartum PT has reiterated over and over again that my diastasis is not correctable through exercise and that my only option is abdominoplasty (i.e. a full tummy tuck). Usually when she tells me this I start to cry and so then she suggests that I am depressed and recommends a PPD counselor. Um, no dickhead, I'm not depressed. You just told me that my stomach is so jacked that my only option is plastic surgery. What should be my natural response? A cartwheel?



So in an effort to save my sanity, or at least not throat punch my PT, I made a consult appointment with a plastic surgeon and that consult was this morning. Now - to be honest - I really don't want to have plastic surgery, I would rather live with a perfectly imperfect god-given body than a surgically imperfect body. Additionally, as I've made it known before, I'm not done having kids (or at least not done trying to have kids anyway).



The surgeon was as I expected him to be - tan, callous and emphatic over my need to have a tummy tuck. No surprises there. He said that my diastasis was of the "varsity level", in the top 25% for the worst he's seen. I think that's doctor speak for "your shit's jacked up".



I asked about having arthroscopic surgery to correct the abdominal separation but not have skin/tissue removed and he told me that a.) he doesn't do that kind of surgery, although other surgeons will and b.) that it would create curtains of hangy skin for me.



I'm not convinced that that's not an option so I'll be finding another surgeon to consult with, but that's a story for another day.



According to him I have a lot of excess skin and extremely bad stretch marks. Now, I know my stomach is pretty beat up. But really, I don't think my skin or my stretchies are that bad. In fact, I'm fine with them, I don't mind living with them. It's the poofiness and the umbillical hernia (due to the muscle separation) that I stand issue with.



As he was walking out of the consult he saw my abdominal binder and laughed - "oh, you wear a splint? You can just throw that thing out. It won't do anything for you, that is unless it makes you feel better wearing it."



So I guess I'm back to square one, or maybe it's square negative four. Cause I feel even more defeated than I did before. I know I am only 5 months postpartum, but I still look pregnant. I know that I have to give myself more time to recover, but I still look pregnant and the "professionals" keep telling me that this look is permanent. When I don't wear a binder my stomach slowly distends to the point that I have a belly similar to what I looked like around 14 weeks.



And I'm frustrated, self-conscious and sad about all of this. And those feelings have nothing to do with my children or my love for them.



So without further ado - here is my belly at 5 months postpartum. I will continue to do the exercises and wear a binder and the like, because I don't know what else to do. Regardless, I am giving myself until October (nine months in, nine months out) to see what effect plain, old-fashioned time has on my recovery.



I'm left wondering is there such a thing as a plastic surgeon that doesn't recommend surgery?

Diastasis Recti

**If you found my blog while researching diastasis, welcome! I get many of the same questions emailed to me regarding this post, so I thought I'd try to answer them here. I was 4 months postpartum when these pictures were taken. I have done physical therapy, transverse abdominal exercises, worn a splint/abdominal binder and tried the tupler technique. None of this has made a difference. My stomach greatly improved by 9 months postpartum (on its own) and even more so by 12 months postpartum. However my diastasis is unchanged. Once I am done having children I will be getting a tummy tuck to correct my hernias and diastasis and to put my body back together again.**



I start postpartum physical therapy in two weeks to help correct diastasis recti which is leftover from my pregnancy. Diastasis recti is a separation between the left and right side of the abdominal muscles that covers the front surface of the belly. A diastasis recti looks like a ridge that stretches from the bottom of the breastbone to the belly button. As your muscles relax throughout the day, the ridge gets bigger. Any strain on the muscle causes the size of the ridge to increase as well. To give you a better idea, here's what my stomach looks like.

For several weeks now, I've thought that my stomach wasn't healing quite right. But every time I mentioned it to someone I was told that I "just had twins" or that I was being too hard on myself or (and this is my favorite) I was asked if I had an eating disorder or if I was suffering from postpartum depression.



I finally said to hell with it and scheduled an appointment with my OB. And, as it turns out, I was right. My abs were so stretched from the last trimester of my pregnancy that the muscles are abnormally (i.e. more than 2 1/2 finger widths) separated. Additionally, the right side of my stomach sticks out farther than the left side, which isn't surprising considering that Reese - my right side baby - used to curl up in a ball and scoot her little heiney up under my rib cage at night.

 

{ what my stomach looks like when the muscle is relaxed }

 

{ what it looks like when I tighten my core }

Anyway, while my body will continue to heal with time, only specific core work will fix the problem. Thankfully I was able to locate a physical therapist that specializes in postpartum recovery. I'm eager to start PT. I think I could love my postpartum body (battle scars and all) if my stomach healed properly.



So that's that. I'm not entirely crazy (yet). I really hope this does the trick. I've read if core work doesn't realign the muscle that the only other option is surgical correction, which is something I'm not willing to undertake. I hate hiding under big shirts and my back is freaking killing me - something I'm sure isn't helped by scooping up the bambinos a thousand times a day.

Operation Twin Skin Week 7

Another week (which seems to have flown by) and I'm down another 2 pounds. Eight pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Going back to the gym has really kick started my weight loss again and gotten me over the breastfeeding plateau. My stomach is definitely forever changed, but I'm eager to see what it looks like once all of the weight is gone and my abdominal muscles recede again. I can deal with a little soft skin, perhaps that's what it will be. If it's something more than that, well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I will be two months postpartum next week and I think that's a good stopping point for documenting my belly. By then I imagine I'll be within five pounds of my starting weight and I think this is close enough to where I started to be satisfied with the process. I hope this was helpful to other twin mommas out there. I've seen bellies that have fared a lot better than mine. But when I was 38+ weeks pregnant, I never thought that I could even get back to this. To say my world and everything in it has changed would be a massive understatement. But I wouldn't change a thing.

{ click images to enlarge )

Operation Twin Skin Week 6

Sorry I skipped a week, we were en route to the funeral last Wednesday. So two weeks = another two pounds lost; ten to go until I'm back to my starting weight. I have a funny feeling that these last ten pounds are going to be the hardest and they'll be even harder to lose while I'm still nursing. Each pumping session I'm taking out about 12 ounces, which is nearly a pound of just breastmilk. Who knows how much my knockers weigh  frightening.



Week 6 proves my stomach can be flat again, but WTH is going on with my belly button? Overall I'm happy with my progress, not bad for six weeks.

{ click to enlarge }

Operation Twin Skin Week 4

So this, my friends, is what's called a plateau. I lost one pound and I don't think I look any different. I'm so ready to get back into the gym, start running and spinning again and hopefully get rid of this last 12 pounds.



My husband played lacrosse at SU back in the day and last year we donated money to the Athletic Department to help fund the rebuild efforts of one of the practice facilities and locker rooms. As a result, my husband's name is engraved above the locker that adorns the number he wore. On March 19th they are unveiling the new locker rooms, so it's my goal to lose these last 12 pounds before we head out there.



Since we both went to Syracuse and when I was in grad school I was the academic advisor to Men's Lacrosse we both have a lot of ties to the program and, subsequently, there will be lots of people we know at the unveiling. So I'd like to look human again by the time we see everyone.



I want a haircut, an eyebrow wax, a pedicure and I want to be rid of this fanny pack made of skin. I know that's a lot of pressure and I'm okay with how narcissistic it sounds. I'm just ready to look like me again. So without further ado...week 4:

{ click to enlarge either of the pictures }

Operation Twin Skin Week 3

Lost another two pounds, bringing my three week total to 34 pound lost. Thirteen left to go before I get back to where I started from (if that's not motivation to continue breastfeeding I don't know what is).



My belly button is trying to find its way home right now, it's too stretched out to actually fit in its old home. For those of you that have had babies, what does a belly button look like after its been a pancake button for so long? I think it's going to be really weird looking after this. Like maybe it won't be a button at all?



I feel like things are starting to draw back in and fall (literally) back into place. I still look quite rectangular, but there are signs that I might have a waistline again soon. I haven't been wearing my belly binder as much this week because my night sweats are so bad that I wake up and my skin hurts from the friction of sleeping and sweating. Yuck. Oh, and I finally stopped bleeding. Yahoo! I thought that would never end. How gross is postpartum life? So gross.

{ click to enlarge either of the pictures }

Operation Twin Skin Week 2

Two weeks in I'm 32 pounds down (15 to go). I no longer fit in my maternity jeans, but my hips are too wide to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. I can get them up but they are nowhere near close to buttoning. I went shopping yesterday for a pair of jeans to bridge the gap between knocked up and messed up and was shocked to be a size 8. Prior to the twins I wore a size 0/2. Humbling to say the least.



I also tried on shirts, but my boobs are ginormous and my ribs are wider which makes sense, but is something I never considered. Anywho, I decided to hold off on tops for now since everything just looked weird. Maybe by the spring I'll either fit into my pre-pregnancy shirts or I'll look less rectangular in new shirts. Or maybe I'll just go topless!

{ click to enlarge either of the pictures }

Key for those of you who are still pregnant and reading - get a Gap card. GapMaternity is AMAZING and you accrue points towards future purchases. My fatgirlslim jeans yesterday only cost me $18 because I had a $40 store credit. So even though my ego was a bit bruised, my wallet was not.

{ Here's what the belly looks like all Cinched up }

p.s. I'm wearing the Bravado Essential Nursing Tank and I'm in love with it. I don't need a separate bra and it works as both jammies or under a cardigan or sweater if we're out running errands. Plus it allows me to nurse in public without baring my belly (although I also use a Bebe au Lait cover).

Operation Twin Skin

So one of the things we all face as multiples moms is the dreaded postpartum body. I made it all the way to 32 weeks before my skin broke, and when it did my stretch marks popped up like gremlins fed after midnight. Horrific. Add to this PUPPPS and I was sure my body was completely done for.



In total I gained 47 pounds by the time I delivered the twins at 38 weeks, 2 days. By one week postpartum I had already lost 26 pounds. I've been wearing a belly binder called the Cinch and it's done wonders for my back support and has helped keep my insides feeling like insides instead of all overs. Breastfeeding has also helped with the weight loss. I'm a lot happier with my postpartum body than I thought I could/would be.



My stretch marks were always white (until they were filled with PUPPPS rashes), and they are pretty bad, but maybe I can recover? I'm hoping if I can get my belly close to flat that laser surgery can fix the damaged skin. Joe and I aren't done having babies - we still have two frosties to go back for - and I'm too big of a bush to get a tummy tuck once our path to parenthood is over.



Since I was always curious what people looked like postpartum, I've decided to share the wealth by documenting my progress here for all to see. I plan on taking pictures on the babies' weekly birthday; these pictures will replace my Wordless Wednesday posts for a while. Hopefully they'll leave me wordless in a good way and not because I'm crouched down rocking myself gently in my closet.