2015 Theme

What is this year's theme? HAWK



The ability to see your life in perspective, to free you of unnecessary "baggage" and connect you to your ancestral roots...Once you know where you have come from and where you are going, your life will be filled with inspiration and enthusiasm, you will sense a new day dawning, and you will be able to make decisions with confidence.



How do I get there? EAGLE, drawn reversed



You may need to guard against the dangers of an overpowering intellect. The eagle, when it knows how to renew itself in the secret lake, is able to balance its masculine fiery qualities with the feminine, water qualities of the lake. But when it cannot find the secret lake, when we deny our minds access to the heart, our lives can become dry and sterile, our intellects harsh and overly analytical. Now may be the time to see whether your mind and your heart are in balance. 



Where should I start? CRANE, drawn reversed



The crane stands alone for hours on end, simply observing and patiently waiting. But it's also able to join its colleagues to fly in formation or to dance together. You may need to learn the right balance between being alone and working with others. Spending too much time alone can create feelings of isolation and separation. Conversely, having no time to oneself can be an avoidance of self-knowledge and the uncomfortable feelings of loneliness. Spend a while looking at your life to see whether you give yourself enough time to have both these experiences. 

2013 I Will List

Run two half marathons.

Joe signed us up for a half marathon in June as my Christmas present. I've been wanting to run this half marathon for the last six years, but I was either closed out of it or pregnant. So while I hadn't run a step since last March, I recently laced up my sneakers and hit the treadmill.




The truth is with the infertility, the kids and life in general we've gotten away from each other. He thought this would be a good way to reconnect -- train and then run together. In theory, it's a great idea. Logistically, with three kids and no family around to help out, it's a bit harder.

Training for a distance run is ambitious. Assuming we're actually successful in training for June's race, my goal is to stay in running shape and run another half at the end of the summer. I mean, if one half is possible, then why not two?



Take time to stop and enjoy the moment. 

With three monkeys, I am running from day to night and someone always needs something. It is wonderful to be so needed, really. But when the kids are occupied I find myself washing dishes or doing laundry or cleaning or checking email. There is no such thing as free time, so I do what I can when I can and sometimes that means capitalizing on spare time when the kids are awake.

The other day I stopped paying bills and sat down at Ryan's train table with him and we played together while his sisters were sleeping. Normally I would have let him play quietly by himself because he "woke up early from naps". It was so wonderful to spend this time with him. They are growing so fast. Obviously I have to pay bills and manage my household, but sometimes I just need to stop and enjoy my children. And I hope to do better with this goal this year. 

Remember that I don't have to do it all. 

I am a proud person. I am a perfectionist. I am type-a. It's all a really bad combo, unless you need to get something done. Then these qualities are amazing. I try to do it all, I mean all of it. From our finances to our children to working on the side. I am constantly taking on too much and, lately, I've been falling short.





I need to get better at asking for help. But the larger issue is that I need to get better at simplifying life and only focusing on the things that are important.

Make more time for myself.

I think it's a disease of motherhood to take on too much and not ask for help. Or maybe I'm just the strong and suffering in silence type. Regardless, I have found that I am happier and more enjoyable to be around when I take time for myself. I'm a better mother, partner, friend, colleague. All of it. 



I hired a babysitter for Monday evenings to come and help Joe with the kids while he cooks, does dinner and baths. And while all of that is happening I do the mommy version of GTL, also known as spin, tan, sauna. I am only "missing" three hours of their lives per week. But lord does that recharge me. This is something I would have never done for myself two years ago. I think this is called progress. 




Make more time for my marriage. 


This one is a toughie. As a blogger, you're a chronic oversharer or an attention whore, or both. I struggle with how much I am comfortable revealing here, such is life. Joe and I hit a really rough patch right before Lola was born. That period in our lives together has made me question many, many things. It is hard for me to put that out there, but it's a big part of my life right now and so there it is.







We are working on ourselves, working on our family and working on our relationship. I think we are fixable. I think that we can be great again. Marriage is a full-time job and there is work to be done. With three small children, it is hard to focus on anything but parenting. But for them, and for ourselves, we are trying to focus on each other and trying to make our relationship work.





Let go.



And I mean really LET GO of so many things. My mother-in-law calls me resourceful. What she means is that I'm a fighter. I punch my way through any and all situations with some sort of superhuman resiliency and sheer will. There is a cost to all of that though. In order to survive, it means I have to shut off my emotions, push them down and persevere. Years of pushing shit down and persevering are taking their toll on me and I need to let myself wade in emotions that I really don't like, honor those experiences (yes, even the really bad ones), and let them go.







Another part of letting go is letting go of the things I cannot change (serenity prayer, anyone?). I am a fixer. I think when you are a survivor personality type, this is how that coping mechanism manifests itself. Consequently, I take it upon myself to try to fix things for other people who share their burdens with me. I need to learn to be a set of ears for listening, as set of arms for hugging, a set of shoulders for crying on and then to let go. Man, that's hard for me. Some people don't want fixin' and really who am I to assume my way is the right way anyhow?









And lastly, letting go of the people and relationships that are bricks. You know the kind that I am talking about. The kind that drag you down, down, down. The kind that give you such bad anxiety that you find yourself awake at 4 a.m. with a racing mind and a tired body. In theory, I think it's okay to set boundaries for those kinds of relationships and if those boundaries cannot be honored then the relationship cannot function. In practice, I have a really hard time letting go (sensing a theme, are we?)




I am working with a hypnotherapist who is also a LMHC and we'll be going through some negative release work and trauma therapy along with regular talk therapy. I am also exploring some more Eastern approaches to spiritual healing. Things like reiki, chakra clearing, energy work, EFT. What can I say? I am a granola hippy in fancy shoes.

2013.

So this is my year. I suppose we'll call it the year I get my shit together. 





Wish me luck.

My I Will List: 2012 Roundup

Bless my heart, I certainly get an "A" for creating the longest goal list in history. Some years even I can't live up to my own expectations.

Well, I managed to work out throughout my entire pregnancy. I was still on a spinning bike at 36 weeks -- and not just phoning it in (shout out to my girl Jillian Michaels, ha!) -- but actually pushing myself. I was convinced this would "help me have an easier delivery". If that was easier then, holy shit, I'm glad I didn't take the hard route.



I wanted to run, really I did. But I am incontinent now that I have birthed three children. I found this out the hard way (three times) jumping on the trampoline with my kids at gymnastics. Good god. You'd think I would have learned the first two times, but I really thought it was a fluke. And running while pregnant should actually be called "peeing your pants for three miles". So yeah, I gave up on that goal early on.

 I definitely maintained perspective and kept my cool (for the most part) when life got tough. Living out of a hotel with three babies pretty much was the bottom of the barrel and I broke a few times then. But overall, I really enjoyed our life and my kids last year. Even though it is beyond craziness all most of the time.

I never ended up with a sitter to help with one-on-one attention for the kids. The sitters that seem to work best for our family are college-aged and their breaks really interfere with us getting into good rhythms. But the kids get out to activities four days a week, which is a feat in and of itself. And I take all three with me and it seems to be working. So I guess it's a half success. 

Joe and I rocked out meal planning and cooking at home...until the baby was born. We still cook at home, but we really took for granted how much I used to be able to get done while he was at work. Grocery shopping is now an impossibility. The double carts are a major PITA to push and I would have to wear the baby with two screaming toddlers. Oh, and Reese throws the groceries out of the cart and Ryan eats everything I put into the cart. It's a nightmare. Three is just a whole other adventure.

Not only did I not make more time for myself, but between the house and the baby, I actually had less time for myself. And it's shown. I'm definitely exhausted some days. I really hope to build in time for myself this year. 

As far as boundary setting goes, I did set boundaries. And in the end it meant that a few people were locked out of my life because they have no regard for boundaries whatsoever. It didn't make me any happier, although it was nice to be living in a drama-free zone since these people were MIA. But in the end, your family is your family. So something has to give and, unfortunately, it looks like that will have to be me again. 

Not only did we put away for the twins' college funds, but we saved enough to put away for Lola too. I am really proud of this. It wasn't easy. Especially when we were getting toward the end of our build and we were beyond broke. I mean, don't swipe the debit card because there's no money in the account broke. We never once tapped into the money we set aside for their college funds. This is so important to me. I worked three jobs in college and then three jobs after college to pay for and pay off my education. It was such a burden and I missed out on so much having to work instead of getting to hang out with friends or go to a game, etc. I really want to make sure that we are able to relieve or at least help our children with that burden in the future.



As far as closing on the houses, clearly that didn't happen in September. What was I thinking making a goal of something that was completely out of my control? It's the type-a in me. I seriously can't help it.

My I Will List...

I have to do my annual goal check-in and update. It's not looking good, that's for sure. We had a lot on our plates this year, but really I accomplished almost nothing on the list. I mean look at my poor running man (see him the sidebar? he's practically crawling right now). I'm trying to be more practical this year. You know, the whole three kids excuse. SOMEday that will get old. Just not TOday.

So for this year I resolve to be more forgiving...of others AND myself. 

If you partake in the resolution making, what was top on your list? 

My 2012 "I Will" List

The older I get, the more I realize that so much of my life is out of my hands. The best thing I can do each day is wake up with a smile and hope for the best. And pray that an ounce of the things I try to do in a day (or week or year) is noticed by my children and that they grow up to be decent human beings with goals of their own.



I mentioned before that my life lacks balance. I don't think it's healthy; for me, for Joe, for the kids. I feel so much more human when I work in just 30 short minutes to myself each day. I'm more patient and more forgiving. This above all else is my primary goal for this year. Now on to the good stuff.



Financial/House Goals

• Put away $600 for each baby's 529 Plan


• Sell our current house by September


• Close on our new house by September

*note that two of these goals are completely out of my hands, but I'm just putting it into the universe. Do you hear me universe? Power of intention speaking to you!



Mommy Goals

• Remember when the days feel long and suffocating, that this time of insanity is both precious and short. Remember that I will look back on this insanity one day fondly and, with rose-colored glasses, I will likely miss the crazy. 


• Nurse the new baby for 9 months.


• Find a daycare provider or in-home nanny to make sure the kids get specialized attention a few times a week. 


• Continue to take the twins to mommy and me classes, even with the new baby in tow.


• Build in time for each of my children to spend with me, ALONE (once a month, once a quarter, once a year...something that will work for all of us). 

Personal Goals

• Prep meals the night before and during naps so that we can eat at home several times per week.


• Make more time for myself.


• Continue our weekly date nights, even after the new baby is born, no matter how hard it is to leave or how tired we are when the babysitter arrives.


• Learn to say no more often, set boundaries in my life and let go of people that cannot accept the boundaries I've set. 

Fitness Goals

• Run one 5K with all three kids this summer. 


• Workout throughout this pregnancy.


• Run 200 miles this year.

2011 Goals Recap

I'm not even going to make up some reason this post is happening in March, since this post was also done on the last day of February 2011. Apparently it takes me three months to get my shit together enough to set up some goals. And each year I seem to push the required time back another three weeks.



Some of our goals that we set actually set us back a bit this year (mostly financial ones) since our family tripled in size and our original plan on staying in our current home for another 3-5 years is no longer feasible. Looking back I'm not sure we could have seen any of this happening. (Yes, maybe you know you're going to have kids, but we didn't plan on having three in two years.) So in a lot of ways my need to plan goals for us took its toll on our family financially and made me feel pretty lousy since I had a hard time focusing on much besides the kids.



Financial Goals



We managed to put away a lot more than we anticipated for the kids 529's thanks to some generous gifts from family around the babies' baptism and birthday. We also started a 529 savings account for them that automatically takes money out of our checking accounts bimonthly. So it's a lot easier to put away cash for them when it's just a little bit at a time.



Our other plan was to pay down 20% of our mortgage and double our savings. Instead we decided to get me a larger vehicle which we paid for outright, finish the basement and add a shed to our property. So our savings stayed put. We paid down 12% of our mortgage when we realized we wanted to try for #3 last October. I wish we would have just kept that money in savings now that we need to come up with so much capital for the new house. But at least we'll get it back at closing.



House Goals



We did manage to finish the basement, furnish our master bedroom (although that's actually happening this week, so maybe it doesn't count) and hold a very successful garage sale. But we didn't move the perennial garden. And sadly, I lost a lot of beautiful plants because that damn willow tree is so invasive. I'm going to do my best to make it look nice this spring so that the house looks market ready. It breaks my heart to think of what I probably lost in that garden.



Career Goals



I never stopped feeling guilty for staying at home with my kids. And to add insult to injury, I also started getting a little stir crazy. So I went back to work part-time freelancing. At one point I was working on four contracts. What I found is that I don't have adequate enough help to work that hard. What I also found is that people are willing to work you to the point of exhaustion, shit all over you, muck with your pay and your life and then drop you like a hot potato.



And while all of this was happening, I was stressing my husband out and missing time with my kids. So while I still feel guilty that I don't contribute financially and while I still feel restless and miss having that part of my identity, I realize that I'm right where I need to be right now.



Mommy Goals



This is the only category I didn't suck in. I took pics and videos more than weekly, I nursed the twins past my goal, I recorded all of their milestones, I enrolled in swim class and mommy and me, and I went back for my frosties.



This is probably why I did nothing else last year for myself or for my husband. Uh yeah. My kids consumed me. I loved every second. But I definitely lacked balance in my life.



Personal Goals



We ate more steamed chicken and mixed vegetables from our local Chinese restaurant than I care to admit. I made more time for family and friends, but unfortunately they were the wrong family and the wrong friends (something I'll discuss in more detail at another time). And while I lost all 47 pounds of my baby weight, I will not be rocking a bikini again in my life.



Fitness Goals



I completed three weeks of the C25K, I didn't run a single race, I did not run with my friends or take spin classes and I only managed to run 59 miles out of my 250 mile goal.



Being active was one of those things that defined me before having the twins. In a lot of ways motherhood has changed what I focus on to my own detriment. In thinking about what I wanted out of 2012, I realized that the biggest thing I need to focus on is balance. Now, how that will work in a year that I am building a house, having a baby and moving, I have no idea. But I plan to try.

My 2011 "I Will" List

Oh well that it's basically March and I'm just now getting around to my goals for the year. I guess that means I'll have to work harder to get everything accomplished. I actually think that my list is quite manageable (albeit, long) this year.




Financial Goals

• Put away $600 for each baby's 529 Plan


• Pay down 20% of our mortgage (a 2010 goal that was reassigned due to the twins' birth)


• Double our savings

House Goals

• Finish the basement


• Move last year's perennial garden in an effort to not fight the damn willow tree that grows like a gremlin








• Actually furnish and decorate our master bedroom


• Hold a garage sale, donate whatever doesn't sell to charity

Career Goals

• Stop feeling guilty for giving up my career to stay at home with my kids

Mommy Goals

• Remember to take pictures and videos of the babies at least weekly


• Slow down and enjoy the little moments as crazy as they are


• Nurse the twins for 6 months


• Record milestones and development


• Enroll in swim lessons and a mommy and me class and enjoy this time while they are little and everything is new


• Get my other kids out of the freezer and give them a shot at life

Personal Goals

• Cook at home three times per week


• Make more time for family and friends


• Lose my baby weight and rock a bikini in Nantucket this summer

Fitness Goals

• Complete the C25K program and get back in running shape


• Run one 5K, one 10K and one half marathon


• Find road races to run with the twins


• (starting in July) Take time for myself to spin twice a week and run with my girlfriends (sans babies) once per week


• Run 250 miles this year

2010 Goals Round-Up: How'd I Do?

Every year Joe and I set goals for our family and then set our own personal goals. It's part of my type-a plan for world domination. In all seriousness, I like thinking about resolutions as promises to one's self rather than a list of things that are forgotten on January 31.



Usually we evaluate our year in September, then we adjust the goals that are left (if necessary) and make a short list of what we think we can finish/accomplish before the year ends. Any unmet goals are saved for the following year.



So while we did our almost-end-of-year goal evaluation in private this year, I thought I'd fess up about what I actually accomplished in 2010.



Personal Goals

• Make an effort to be a nicer, more cheerful person

I think getting out from under the shroud of infertility certainly helped with my overall demeanor. I tend not to sugar coat things, so my honesty is sometimes perceived as unhappiness or melancholy when in actuality, I'm quite happy. I'm just telling it like it is, and that's actually a quality I like about myself.

• Try to not talk badly about others and keep negative opinions to myself

This goal created something I'd call a "teachable moment" in my life. I realized I'll never be one of those people that likes everyone and that everyone likes. You know the kind of girls I'm talking about. They were probably your high school's homecoming queen. Instead I chose to embrace my odd sense of humor, and have had a lot of fun with friends this year conversing about bad relationships, worse outfits and the trainwrecks on 16 and pregnant. And I've enjoyed every second of it.

• Make more time for family and friends

I made huge strides in this area, traveling home to Florida and Jersey for big and small family events and scheduling lunches with friends as often as possible. It was awesome and I felt so much more connected! 

• Make every day count, and try to live more in the moment

Let me be honest. I've wished away most of this year because of discomfort or frustration. Yes, I'm grateful. But no, I didn't always live in the moment.




Fitness Goals

• Get a bike and ride 100 miles in the Tour de Cure this summer


• Run one road race each month from April to September


• Run 500 miles in a year

I met zero of my fitness goals this year. I got pregnant in January, miscarried, had a D&C and then cycled for IVF #2 when I conceived the twins. Races weren't even a blip on my radar most days and by the time the Tour came around I was ten weeks pregnant with the twins and having spontaneous bleeds. 



While I didn't accomplish these goals specifically, I shocked myself by being able to run through my 14th week of pregnancy, spin through my 28th week of pregnancy and swim through my 32nd week of pregnancy. Not a set goal, but not a bad accomplishment!



Career Goals

• Find a career path that will let me be my own boss

I halfway accomplished this. I started doing freelance work around August and left my full-time job in October. Right now I'm focusing on the babies, but I plan on pursuing the freelance thing with more force in 2011, once we get some sort of routine going with the kids.



Life Goals

• Plan two fun vacations and one *relaxing* staycation!

ACCOMPLISHED! Husband and I went to Paris, Nantucket and took a week off in October to just hang out at home and work on the nursery. (We also snuck in a trip to the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament and Quebec City.)

• Cook at home three times a week

This lasted 5 months or until my first trimester. All I can do is laugh because it was the dead of summer and I couldn't stomach grilled food. I subsisted off of chicken broth and plain noodles. Of course, I had just bought the husband a new grill and he never got to use it!

• Find ways to increase the emotional and physical intimacy in our marriage

With the IVF's, the D&C, the subchorionic hematoma and a multiples pregnancy I've pretty much been on pelvic rest since January. That's right folks. No sex for the entire year, doctor's orders. You can forward condolences onto my husband. However, it's forced us to talk more, cuddle more and be more honest with each other than we previously thought possible. So I would say this goal was accomplished emotionally, and physically...well, let's hope 2011 is a better year!




House Goals

• extend our back patio (done!)


• plant a perennial garden (done!)


• finish painting our hallway, trim and laundry room (done!)


• finish furnishing and accessorizing our home (*done!)


• hold a garage sale, donate whatever doesn't sell to charity (done!)

ACCOMPLISHED! The only room we have left to finish is our master bedroom. But it took a backseat to the nursery, so the master bedroom will be back on the list in 2011. Although, truth be told, it has furniture and a bed, and we can survive like this for many years to come.



Financial Goals

• pay down 20% of our mortgage

Well, we saved up enough to pay down 20% of the mortgage, and then we saved some more. But we decided to hold off on actually making the payment until May of next year. With the twins on the way and me giving up my full-time job, we thought having a sizable savings was better than not having PMI. 

I'm almost done with my goal list for 2011, it's funny how your goals and ideas change in a year...

Running and Twins

My RE gave me the all clear to go back to my normal exercise routine - running, spinning, modified yoga/pilates, and the stairmaster (my personal fav). I signed up for spinning yesterday and ended up leaving work early and rushing to the RE's office for an emergency ultrasound after realizing I was bleeding. Turned out to be a subchorionic hemmhorage and both babies are fine, but I quickly realized that for me to have peace of mind I am going to need to modify my old life a bit more than I initially thought.

Starting with my running goal which I am dropping from 500 miles this year, to 300 miles. Which is totally doable. It amounts to about 17 miles a week from now until October and then no more running for the rest of the year. Let's see if I can manage this. My morning sickness, knock on wood, has seemed to dissipate enough for me to get my butt moving again.

And I'm canceling all of my races for the rest of the year. Running as fast as I can, sometimes long distances, in the summer heat, just seems like a bad idea. Maybe it would be okay, but why put this much pressure on myself? 

Lastly, I am deleting all of my fitness goals for the year. I'm a little disappointed because once I set a goal I like to meet it, but overall I think this is what's best. My new goal is keeping these munchkins healthy and cooking for as long as possible. 

Now I just have to find something else to fill all of the sidebars on my blog :)