Showered

I just hit the 24 week mark. Which is funny because with the twins I kept gunning for 24 weeks as my first goal (since that's the week of some increment of viability) and with this pregnancy I had to look at a calendar to remember how far along I am. I never know how many weeks have gone by, but I feel like I've been pregnant FOR-EV-ERRRRRR.



Twenty four weeks was a multiples pregnancy milestone and it also marked the week of my surprise baby shower. I realized that somehow I never wrote about the amazing shower my friends threw me. So it seemed apropos to chronicle it now given the coincidental timing.



If you know me at all, you know that I am a bit of a control freak with a tendency to be nosy observant and attentive, so it's pretty hard to get anything by me. Especially surprises. But my husband and my best friend managed to pull off a surprise baby shower that I never saw coming. The husband still jokes today that if I ever tracked his phone calls or followed him around I would have thought he was having an affair with my BFF, ha.

{ the invite }

The shower was tasteful and beautiful. Exactly what I would have wanted if I planned it myself. No kitschy games, no guesses about my weight or waist size, just adorable (non-baby!) decorations, delicious food and wonderful people. I'm a lucky girl.

Joe lured me to my friend Nicole's house under the guise of my birthday. I turned 32 the year that the kids were born and my birthday was the week after the shower. We planned to celebrate my birthday over the weekend since my birthday is the end of the sales quarter, which usually means I don't see my husband at all that day. 

The plan, as I knew it was we were going somewhere special to celebrate followed by dinner out. On our way to my birthday outing Joe turned before we got to the highway. I looked at him confused by the route he had elected to take, mainly because my husband is the king of backroad shortcuts that add 15 minutes to a trip and he was really antsy about getting to our outing on time. When I questioned him about where we were going he told me that he had my birthday present stored at Nic's house because he didn't want me to find it and we needed to go pick it up. 

We pulled into her driveway and I planned to just sit in the car while he ran inside, but he asked me to go inside and chat with her for a few minutes because the "box was so big, seeing it would give away what was inside".  At this point I was kind of annoyed, mainly because he had hurried me along while I was getting ready. I remember thinking, 'I needed to rush putting on makeup but I have time to talk!? Sheesh.' 

Little did I know...

Inside Nicole and a group of my friends and my mother in law were waiting to greet me. Shock and awe is an understatement. I couldn't believe these people where here...for me. Nicole is one of those party put-togetherers that makes things look effortless. All of the decorations she DIY'd and everything was so beautiful and thoughtful. She's a keeper.

She ordered catering from our favorite local market and cafe where we (back in the good ole days, before children) used to have four hour brunches. The food was amazing. 

Our dear friend Rebecca who is an amazingly talented graphic designer (check her out here) made adorable little favor boxes and tags which held chocolate covered gummy bears. I was a chocolate covered gummy bear virgin before this party. If you have never had one, do yourself a favor and get some. Now.



And just when I had finally dried my tears, greeted everyone and settled in to party with my dear friends there was a knock at the door. I turned to find my sister standing in Nicole's living room. Joe flew her in from Florida to be at my shower. And at that moment, everything I wanted for my baby shower had come true and everyone that I love was in that room. There are few times in my life that I can remember being that happy.

{ the whole crew }

We had lunch and chatted and then came the part where we opened gifts. Now let me just say that his part was hard for me. Because my friends, at that point, sat in two camps -- those of us that couldn't have kids and those of us who weren't even close to having kids (or caring!) And while I love a good party, being the focus like that makes me a little uncomfortable. So in just about every gift opening photo I'm making some god awful funny face since I was trying to crack jokes to take the attention off of all the gifting.



Silly girl. Anyway, my friends were beyond generous in both their time and their gifting. And I was so overwhelmed by their kindness, love and excitement for our miracle babies.

That shower was truly one of the happiest, most memorable days of my life. I felt so loved. So, so loved. There really is no better feeling in the world than that. 

A Wonderful Surprise

Today my husband found 24 pictures on his camera. Pictures I had no idea were taken. Pictures of the twins' delivery. Because the babies were thought to be IUGR, I was induced and there were a lot of people in the delivery room with us. They whisked the babies away as soon as they entered the world and it was well over an hour before I saw Ryan (Baby A) for the first time. I heard him cry, but didn't physically see him for what felt like an eternity. I figured my husband just wasn't able to get pictures because the doctors were concerned with the babies' health and size. Besides, I was too busy pushing Reese out and then too busy waiting to hear their weights and their cries and that they were safe and healthy to care about pictures.

I now have 24 wonderful images documenting the best day of my life so far. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am so thankful to my husband for taking them. I can't believe this was already 63 days ago. It honestly feels like it just happened yesterday.



Exactly 13 months ago to the day, I had a D&C bringing my first pregnancy to a bitter and painful end. We were forced to take a break while my body healed. There were so many conversations about what we would do next. How many IVF's we would suffer through. How many more losses could we possibly endure. My heart was so broken and my life felt so empty.



We agreed that we would do one more round of IVF and if it didn't work out or if I lost another baby we would walk away and move forward living our lives child-free. We talked about cashing in my husband's 401K, selling our house in the 'burbs, selling all of our possessions and sailing around the world for a year. We decided we'd pick whichever country we liked the most at the end of that year and permanently relocate there. We figured there was no need for houses and retirement savings and careers if we had no children to provide for; we'd just travel and live and follow our hearts in a different direction.



I can't believe I ever thought a trip around the world could ever compare to this journey that I'm now on; that I ever thought there was a possible replacement or substitution for being a mommy. The last two months of my life have been the best two months of my life. I don't know why I was given such a beautiful gift, but I am thankful for it every second of every day. What a wonderful year 2011 has been.

A Belly Comparison

I had the most amazing weekend filled with the most amazing surprises, which I'm going to post about sometime soon because I want to remember it for the rest of my life! Hopefully by then my dear friend Rebecca who graciously remembered a camera and captured my surprise of a lifetime will have opened her new storefront (so exciting!) and will have time to breathe and email me the pictures.



Part of my surprise entailed my sister arriving in New York from Florida. We've been having too much fun and laughing too much and running around making my house and life ready for these babies. She insisted on snapping a picture of my pot belly yesterday so that we could send it to our dad (I think I finally have his belly beat!)



At this point (without even planning it this way) I've managed to take a belly picture every three weeks (I'm only off by one week from 7 to 11, but there wasn't much to see then, so I think it's okay!). It's amazing to see the changes and growth over the last 16 weeks. Actually, for me it was quite jarring. I've been checking out a bunch of belly shots on other twin mommy blogs and the weeks ahead of me look like the scariest. My belly seems right in line for a major (uncomfortable) growth spurt. I'm excited and terrified.



Today is my due date from our first pregnancy (a miscarriage from IVF #1) and to sit here with this belly and be able to make it through today without an overwhelming amount of sadness is unreal. I still can't believe this is my life. This journey has been intense, but I feel so fortunate and blessed. Anyway, here's my belly journey from the end of IVF #2 to 23 weeks knocked up.

{ 4 weeks }

{ 7 weeks }

{ 11 weeks }

{ 14 weeks }

{17 weeks }

{ 20 weeks }

{ 23 weeks }

My lack of a bare belly photo at 20 weeks made me realize I really need to start baring the buddha a bit more while taking these pictures. It's fun to have the bare belly ones for us at home and then to share the ones where I'm a little more covered with friends and family over email. Originally I didn't think it made a difference, but literally being able to see my abs disappear is quite shocking and I wish I could remember what my bare bump looked like at week 20. (I can't even remember what my belly looked like when this all started, so seeing my "bloated" 7 week belly - where I had already gained 7 pounds - made me laugh my ass off. I'd kill to look that "bloated" again!)

My goal is 36 weeks, so I have 90 days to go. After that, flip and flop can come out (hopefully avoiding the NICU) and celebrate Christmas with everyone.



Why does it sound so much more appealing when you say 13 weeks instead of 90 days???

Snap, Crackle, Popped

11 weeks, 2 days.

Graduation

Tis the season to be graduating. My sister graduated from the 5th grade, we attended the high school graduation party of a dear friend's daughter last week, and her older brother just graduated from college. My coworker's daughter graduated from the 8th grade last week and today we graduated from our RE.

What a strange feeling it is to be deemed "normal". To go to a regular doctor like everyone else. To only have an ultrasound once a month. I'm not going to lie. I cried. A lot. I will miss the familiarity of our RE's office, the staff and the comfort that comes with being more than just a patient.

Ironically, a year ago this week (July 2 to be exact) I triggered for the very first time. It was the beginning of the end of my first failed cycle. That Clomid cycle was the reason I left my OB and went to an RE immediately. And here we are a year later going from our RE back to that OB office with two babies in tow. To say I feel blessed would be the understatement of the century.

In reality I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and emotions I haven't even begun to tap into. I thought once this day came I would be able to return to the world of normal. To chat about a pregnancy like nothing from the last two years came before it. To talk about pack and plays and due dates and delivery methods like this was a world I belong to, a new world that I was always meant to be part of.

While my body is filled with new life, my heart is still filled with heaviness. Do we ever leave the scars from our past behind, or is it those scars that make us the people we are today? For now I'm embracing the sadness and the joy. I'm praying for those who are still waiting for their baby and I'm praying for all of my friends who have been blessed that they continue to be graced with good fortune.

Oh and before I forget, today's pictures. Arms, legs, fingers and toes. Today was by far the most amazing ultrasound we've had to date. They were babies and for the first time this felt REAL. 

Both babies were right on target with their growth and their heart rates. Baby A spins in circles and dances like a wild child. Baby B is a chill kid already. We feel bad for Baby B who is literally millimeters away from Baby A, and as a result is getting kicked and punched all day long. Our next scan will be in 2-3 weeks and we'll have a guess at the gender. It won't be exact but we think we already know what we have (we think it's a boy and a girl). 

7 weeks

before babies

4 weeks, 5 days. This picture is grody and I'm embarrassed to share it, damn progesterone makes you look nasty! I was so bloated and this was first thing in the morning :( 'Scuse the bit o' bra. Husband is taking these pictures for me now so I can be more decent!

 

Today. Pretty flat overall, but I still feel uncomfortable. Navigating my closet is becoming more challenging. I bought a few new shorts and tops which has helped. Last summer's clothes don't button or I look like a stuffed sausage in them.

So far I'm up 4 pounds in the morning; I won't even tell you what happens at night. 

Joe asked me last night while I was taking a bath, "is it normal to be showing this early?" Anyone else feel like this? I feel like by the end of the day it's hard to hide the babies. I have a pretty short torso so maybe they just don't have anywhere to go? They're only the size of blueberries this week. This is all so weird.

1st Ultrasound

It's TWINS! Joe and I are over the moon excited.

Baby A and Baby B were both measuring exactly the same and were perfect for 6w, 4d. Baby A's heartbeat was 124 and Baby B's heartbeat was 118, both right on track for just under 7 weeks!

Next ultrasound is Friday June 18, and then we have our last ultrasound with our RE on Friday July 2, followed (directly after) by our first OB visit with our obstetrician. I can't believe I am four weeks from graduating!

I had them test my P4 today to see if I can switch from Endometrin (vaginal suppository taken 3x a day. Very messy. Feels like wet, cold tile grout in your undies) to Prometrium (oral pill taken 2x a day). I will know the results of that tomorrow. 

Hopefully I won't be wearing a maxi pad with wings to the beach this summer. 

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for us. Please keep praying! We have a few more (actually 6 1/2 more!) weeks before we are in the clear. Hopefully the news just keeps getting better!

I Defeated the Belly Monster!

After seven days of wretching and vomiting - which started each morning around 4:30 - I called my RE and threatened matricide. They prescribed Zofran. I filled the Rx yesterday and when that little belly monster woke me up at 2 a.m. to pee I took a Zofran prophylactically and let me tell you I SLEPT UNTIL 8! 

What's the name of this game? I win!

So far pregnancy has been the pits. I thought it was going to be this beautiful experience filled with joy and wonder. 

Wrong.

I immediately gained 3 pounds which makes me look like a Dorito crazed fool instead of a glowing expectant mother. My skin looks like all of the life has been sucked out of it. My boobs hurt all.the.time. I don't poop for 5 days on end. And then the vomiting kicked in, which actually made me glad that no one had pooped in the toilets for a week, since my face was hovering over them.

It's disappointing to finally be knocked up and for it not to be magical. I'm holding out hope that once I get past the smooshy, seasick stage this will get good.

Back to Life

I ran today for the first time since two days after ET. I feel alive again. I mean really alive. It doesn't hurt that I was able to keep up an 8:30 pace for most of the run either :)

I am just past 10% of my running goal for the year, which is truly sad. But with the IVFs, the miscarriage and the fear of being pregnant, I *think* I have a good excuse. I would really like to run through this entire pregnancy. We'll see how that goes. If anything my goal will just have to be tweaked a bit.

For now, I am feeling very happy and very ready to lace up again tomorrow.

Girls Night In BBQ

If you read this blog and you are coming to the BBQ this Thursday, please, please don't mention me being knocked up! I've come out on my blog and on thebump, but we haven't told anyone and don't plan on letting the cat out of the bag until we are through the first trimester (especially after what happened last time).

Thanks for your understanding!

Beta #2

764

More than doubled since Monday!!!

First ultrasound is June 5. My whole life is two week waits. 

But this one I'm willing to be patient for!

Beta #1

Quant hCG = 311! 

P4 = >40 

e2 = 2000

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this lucky cycle stays, well, lucky.

Next beta is Wednesday.

A little IVF #2 Update

Snowbabies!

We found out that of the 7 remaining embryos under observation TWO of them were graded high enough to be frozen. They were rated 2AB and 2BB. We're overjoyed. To think that I may never have to do another fresh IVF cycle, well there are no words to express how that makes me feel.

All 7 of our embryos continued to develop -- even the two morulas that they thought would arrest, in fact one of the morulas turned into the 2AB that was frozen! This is fantastic news. We are thrilled that our embryos were so robust this cycle.

Of course we are sad that not all of them were candidates for cryo (and clearly I can't house more than three at a time). I'm trying not to focus on the fact that they were weak and instead focus on the wonder of this cycle. Hopefully the good news keeps on coming.

IVF #2 Embryo Transfer

Last time we cycled the embryologist wrote down our embryological grades on the paper for us, yesterday was a different embryologist. I asked her to mark the embryos for us and she just wrote which ones we transferred. Oh well.

So what do I know about the twelve smudges above?

I know that two of them had already arrested, and two were at the morula stage which means they were about 12-18 hours behind in development and on their way to arresting.

Four of them are early blastocysts which means that their cells are too cloistered to be graded. They are under observation today to see if they will be candidates for cryopreservation.

The blastocyst grading system assigns 3 separate quality scores to each blastocyst embryo: a number and two letters. The number indicates its blastocyst development stage (expansion and hatching status). The first letter indicates its inner cell mass (ICM) score, or quality. And the second letter indicates its trophectoderm (TE) score, or quality. 

If that makes no sense to you, don't worry, I didn't understand it either. Here are a few tables that will help:

Okay, so back to my embabies. I had four that were graded on this scale. The big round embryo at the very top right is graded at a 3AC. Originally we thought he was going to be one of the ones transferred but the embryologist elected to use the one labeled Me! in the top frame (he's on the left and is the first Me! in the image). 

That little guy is graded at a 1AB. The other two in the middle also labeled Me! are both 2AA and they were our highest quality embryos. I know nothing about embryos but I was really proud of how these guys looked. 

We're still waiting to find out if the 3AC was good enough to freeze. I hope he was. I just hate the idea of them making it so far and then not having the chance to become a baby. It tears me up.

So as of today, we have 5 embryos under observation for cryo, that in and of itself is amazing. We should know later today or tomorrow if they made it to freeze. Our beta is Monday May 17. Of course, I will be testing every day from now until then. Wish me luck!