as i stood in my kitchen today, eating nuts and grapes, about to head out the door to polish my aura at yoga it dawned on me, something was different, so intensely different it stopped me in my 'nut and grape' eating path...
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and then after the dawning moment i realized it was the weight... the great weight which had been weighing me down, making me lose my way for so long now, was nowhere to be felt, i was lighter than i had been in years. i gulped, i felt the tears well up, i felt gripped by a small flicker of light and i dare not breathe, i dare not truly breathe for what if this moment, this dawning moment did not stay, if it vanished just as it had appeared, the light snuffed out and the weight descending back upon my shoulders, leaving me once again stumbling in the dark and alone
.JPG)
and then after the dawning moment i realized it was the weight... the great weight which had been weighing me down, making me lose my way for so long now, was nowhere to be felt, i was lighter than i had been in years. i gulped, i felt the tears well up, i felt gripped by a small flicker of light and i dare not breathe, i dare not truly breathe for what if this moment, this dawning moment did not stay, if it vanished just as it had appeared, the light snuffed out and the weight descending back upon my shoulders, leaving me once again stumbling in the dark and alone
so i took a deep breath and i dared to test the little light for i knew in my heart of hearts, this moment was the moment i have been searching for, waiting for, not truly knowing i had been doing such a thing over the past years but now it was clear. i was ready to let go...
for the first time in 3 years the weight of sorrow, loss and bereavement was not there, i could not find it even when i dared to dig deep looking for it. all i could find was a feeling of happiness and i can only take this moment which found me this morning quite unexpectedly in my kitchen, as me at last coming to terms with events which rocked my world, events i did not know how to handle, how to put a voice to them, that battered my heart so hard it left me reeling for air. all i knew, as each event overlapped the next was to bury them so deep inside that with it, i buried my ability to live happily day to day, i buried the little light of joy i was carrying and i buried my health too.
the sudden and shocking death of my aunt and godmother, the suffering death of my father-in-law (along with the guilt of being so far from those that needed me) and the feeling of an utter hopeless 'sense of missing' in my day to day life when both my girls moved so far far away. all slowly but surely knocked me sideways over the past 3 years and left me unable to find my inner light, unable to talk about it and so terribly unwell
for the first time in 3 years the weight of sorrow, loss and bereavement was not there, i could not find it even when i dared to dig deep looking for it. all i could find was a feeling of happiness and i can only take this moment which found me this morning quite unexpectedly in my kitchen, as me at last coming to terms with events which rocked my world, events i did not know how to handle, how to put a voice to them, that battered my heart so hard it left me reeling for air. all i knew, as each event overlapped the next was to bury them so deep inside that with it, i buried my ability to live happily day to day, i buried the little light of joy i was carrying and i buried my health too.
the sudden and shocking death of my aunt and godmother, the suffering death of my father-in-law (along with the guilt of being so far from those that needed me) and the feeling of an utter hopeless 'sense of missing' in my day to day life when both my girls moved so far far away. all slowly but surely knocked me sideways over the past 3 years and left me unable to find my inner light, unable to talk about it and so terribly unwell
and today, today, at last, more than any other day in the past 3 years, this day, the 25th day of a shiny new year, i have found my voice and i have found my little shiny light, waiting patiently for me, never having left, just buried deep below the pain and the sorrow but now shining brighter than ever before. and my little light did not come alone, no he bought with him the wonderful words of Jimmy Cliff filling my cleared head and healed heart and telling me everything is going to be okay
"i can see clearly now the rain has gone, and its gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day"
